It really sucks that I can’t tell anyone…

… that I have bipolar. Well, anyone that’s not my immediate family or my fiance. But do I really want to tell anyone else?

I know it’s been said that it’s healthy to create a strong support system to help deal with this illness but that hasn’t convinced me to let my guard down and casually mention it to people. I. Just. Can’t. Do it.

What will they think of me? Will they think I’m crazy? Will they start to self-edit themselves and walk on eggshells around me?

First of all, yes, I may have anger issues but to be frank, only those closest to me have ever seen it. If you met me, you would think I’m just a nice, quiet and very introverted person. I’m empathetic and kind and most of the time just a little awkward, but that’s about it. You would never think I was depressed most of the time or when I seem to be having a great time I’m probably a little manic and not realizing how I’m probably laughing a little too loud.

I always have one persona with friends, and then my real self comes out when I’m either with my partner or alone. It’s easier to keep a facade than to deal with people’s judgments.

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Medication has certainly evened me out and I’m not as raging as I used to be, which I guess is better… but they’ve sort of dulled all of my emotions a bit. I’m more even-tempered now, which is good I suppose?

I read this thought a little while ago that said: having bipolar was like playing the game of life on the hard setting while everyone else is playing on normal – but you’re being judged as if you’re playing on the same setting as everyone else. I kinda butchered the thought but I hope you get the gist.

I feel judged a little by those that don’t know what I’m going through but just think I’m being lazy or taking time off work because I’d rather sit at home on disability. *sad smile* (Funny enough, I come from an HR background and that was usually the first thought unless proven otherwise. We had a few bad eggs that ruined it for people that legitimately needed time off.)

If they only knew how even though I’ve been off work for a little over a year, I strongly tie my self-worth to my career and now that that’s sort of derailed, I’m at a loss in life. I feel pretty useless most of the time and although logically I know better, in my heart, it’s hard to get over that feeling.

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This might sound pretty ridiculous to some of you but many people, including close-ish friends, don’t even know that I’m off work. It was unavoidable with some friends because they worked with me and obviously wondered where I went… but to the majority of my friends, I just told them I’m working from home now on my own business lol. Pretty ridiculous right? The lengths we will go to hide our illnesses.

Well, this post was not meant to be such a long rant but this is what I’ve ended up with so I’ll leave it here. I’ll be honest, I’m probably still not going to open up to most people in real life but writing it out here helps more than I thought it would. It’s like I’m sending it out into the universe and I hope someone will hear it.

I’m still working on managing myself better and becoming healthier and I will talk about the ways in which I do that as we get to know each other a little better.

I would appreciate your thoughts on what you would do in my situation and if I’m just hindering myself in getting better by not being a very open person. Leave a comment if you like or you can email me privately at mybipolardiary1@gmail.com

I hope maybe a few of my thoughts resonated with you and if they did, let me know your thoughts on my thoughts lol

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a great day =)

J

 

 

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